A Long Season

 

OK, lets just start from the beginning and not near now. (Does that make sense?)

My mother had both parents still alive, My daddy’s only had his mother. He has a twin sister, along with 8 other siblings.My mother has a sister and brother. I used to go visit  my grandparents by myself, this is important as you will soon find out.

My Grandmama Ashworth did not drive and was morbidly obese. They each had their own bedrooms. Which to me was odd, but maybe not in those years.As far back as my memory serves, my grandfather would brush my hair and he would give me little gifts. One day he told me to come into his room and get the Vaseline. I did as I was told, I guess I was around 8. Still playing with Barbie’s.

When I went in his room, he made me stand on his desk, at the corner. He put my hands on his penis, and moved my hand up and down using his hands. He then put his hand in my shorts or pants. With the Vaseline started rubbing me. I didn’t know what to think.

After that and several more incidents. I remember looking out the window hoping someone would walk by or look in the window to stop him. Because I had no voice. One night for some reason unknown to me, my sister joined me to spend the night. We were asleep on the pullout sofa, when my grandfather creep into the livingroom trying to wake me. In my little mind I thought this was going to be different. Because every other time it had been during the daytime. I started pinching my sister until she woke up and said “ouch” and sat up to say something, knowing my little sister now it would have to be something like “What the Hell are you doing?!”

Well he must have hit the floor hiding. He left me alone after that.Must have scared the crap (or pedophile) out of him.

I feel that day as if that was a transition moment for me. I think that night something more than just masturbating him and rubbing me was going to happen.

I think this is the curse of men with me. I have never really been in love nor had a man love me, I know people have that.  Not me, in my long history with disastrous relationships with men.

In the years and days ahead, I proceeded thorough life. All those days behind, I had bad dreams of floating elephants sitting on me. Trees falling in the yard, a house so far but so close. Hiding under cars in the driveway , the not driveway to prevent the trees from hitting me.

As those things fell away, I was active in fast pitch softball, that is all we had. Swim team at the local Lions Club park. Getting crushes on boys and all things girls do.

Freak was one time when with my daddy. I had a friend over, my mother was not crazy about, she thought she was not a nice girl. I was walking across the hall to go to bathroom in the middle of night. I hear my dad calling her name softly. It sent chills up me and ignored it.Went to bathroom and when I came out he was in the hall. I don’t remember if this is when he tried to kiss me and slip me a tongue. Or some other time. But both of these things really made all those old memories and untrusting of men came out.

By the way, no one knew what had happened before. I never told anyone, until later in life about 30 years later….

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